Coffeehouse Confessions

Silence. Coffee. Starbucks. What a day it has been. Bonded with the sis earlier at the mall and an early dinner. It's always good to get some sister time that doesn't feel like effort. But of course, like everything else, once there is silence and you have moments all to yourself, reality has a way of smacking you in the face. All is good, but matters of the heart are the hardest to deal with.

I guess the clichéd moment of sitting alone in a coffee shop has happened. Sappy playlist in the headphones are playing away, and I can't seem to put the right words together, because just when someone asks you what's wrong, and no words come out, I guess it's the same when typing. What does one do to mend a broken heart? I wish Frozen's "love thaws a frozen heart" thing would work, but that's not an option; life is not a fairytale, Disney flick, or anything of the sort. Life is not fair, and I think we could all agree to that. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes we each get what we deserve.

They say things happen for a reason, so as much as I've wondered what could possibly be the reason to all of this? Or why the heck was there something to begin with? I haven't been able to find the answer. I think we all change because of events in our lives or we at least should, and I have. So where's my prize? I guess this one of those moments where I can say, "Life's not fair."

Sometimes I have these unwanted flashbacks, that automatically just glum my day or night. Memories are supposed bring happiness, not sadness or regret. But one thing I have most definitely learned is to smile, smile, smile away even when I could literally collapse and lose it all. Another thing I have also learned is that not everybody gets it. They want to be your friend or lend a listening ear because they care, but the second time you bring it up, they're already fed up and mad at you for even bringing it up. I wonder if people ever think that if it were them it would probably take a while to just go back to being normal. This is why I have become a recluse about my feelings, I feel like I do myself a favor by being the "strong" one, which I'm not by the way, even if I look like it, I'd rather look angry than sad, even if it costs me.

Some new people have come in to the café, and some have left. My drink is barely finished, and as I look out the windows, the noir sky is seen even through the countless streetlights and cars filling the streets. This is one of those moments when a warm bear hug would be appreciated.

What is left to be done? Forget, perhaps? Live everyday as though I was dying, not afraid to do the things that scare me the most. Move on. My heart says no, but my intellect just doesn't know anymore. Coffeehouse confessions, gotta love 'em!

Loud, Proud, Daring

I guess for some people criticizing is their best form of flattery. I didn't take this to heart because I've heard it so many times that I'm basically immune.

 My point in sharing this is that just because there is a lot of mean critique and bashing, it doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Sometimes the lack of control gets the better part of someone and when they realize that they can no longer have you be just like they want to, they start trying to get you to the "right path" with harsh words and comments.

At this point in my life I have come into the realization that Eleanor Roosevelt's words ring true to this day, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right-- for you'll be criticized anyway." I have done what other's say is the law, I've met people half way, and have listened to myself. And most of the time listening to instinct and intuition is by far the best, not because your'e perfect. but because you know you and can often do what's best for yourself.

Today, looking at myself in the mirror, I see imperfections, but I also see myself as a queen, not afraid to be who she is, loud, proud, daring. Look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate yourself for the good, fix the bad, and work on the ugly!

Ary

Extraordinary Girl, Ordinary Life

Here I am. This extraordinary girl stuck in this ordinary life. Ever since I was little, I've been something else. I was that little troublemaker, the cutie, the grumpy, Ary. I have always been me. But lately I have been trying really hard to just live the life that I was dealt and work. Right now, that isn't really turning out so great. Mediocre paycheck, long hours worked, and all of this comes very short of satisfying. I've always had dreams to be more than just some suburban chick working behind a desk with a 9-5 job. What have I dreamed of exactly? I can't say. But I just know that I don't want me to go to waste by just being a bystander. Some people may be happy that they have a job, and a partially am, but I am not one to settle for something I am unhappy with. I like to climb the ladder all the way to the top, and right now, I guess I'm still at the bottom. I get it, I'm young, but isn't that when I should be most excited about life, travel, friends, and adventure? Yes! But looking at my surroundings, all signs point to routine.

Currently, it seems that I may be able to paint a pretty picture, but I'm not so sure about the execution. I need to find my niche. Is it singing? I love to sing, but every time I hear playbacks I hate the sound of my voice! But it's a soul thing. Songs are words the heart alone can't say, and I love telling a story with song. Or is it writing? I love writing, but only as a hobby. I like to write when I'm inspired, not when I'm told to. Makeup? I love makeup, it's an art form, but then I would have to work on weekends so no. But the one thing that has always come to mind is that no matter how good you are at something, there are always other people that are better, and that sucks! I mean what's the point if one can't be the best at something? And yes, one can be the best in one's area, but that's boring.

Some people are the simplest of folk, and they are just as happy watching the sunrise as they are doing their favorite thing in the world. Good for them. I applaud them. But this chick over here ain't like that. I need action, motivation, variety!

Someone recently told me that it was all about attitude. And I'm thinking to myself, "how much more positive can I be?" Without being fake or creepy? I'm as real as they come and I cannot be plastic! I try to deal with situations and day-to-day life as positively as possible, but that does not mean that I will be this happy-go-lucky chick with a Chiclet smile 24/7....uh that's a no-no! And sometimes I wonder if I am the world's most unsatisfied person, but then I look around at people who completed what they thought were their life's dreams and there they are, sitting in a pew looking obnoxious, pissed at the world, like a rottweiler ready to attack; I just thank God that is not me!

One day this extraordinary life will find it, what she's been looking for all along; her niche, her passion, ambitions, goals, dreams, happiness, joy. Until then may a positive attitude follow me daily as I go and accomplish this thing called work wherein I earn some MONEY every two weeks. But I will keep dreaming, thinking, processing, wondering, what in the world is there for me to do that I can feel fulfilled. I will share my life with others so they can get a glimpse of my life; there's never a dull moment, never a filter, and always many laughs and smiles, Love it!

Live! Inspired by Joan Rivers.

I guess we forget how fragile life is. And that's the one thing we all have in common. It can come at any time, our parting from this world, and no matter our status, rags or riches, one day we will be called to judgement. I am left here thinking, as I read one of Joan Rivers' quotes, "I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things; that means you're alive." True inspiration as we are reminded that life is nothing but a vapor, and every day counts. She will be missed for her spontaneity and incredulous audacity. She will be forgiven for the wrongs and revered for her strength as a woman. Now let's take this seriously and live. Let's do what we were made to and kick butt doing it! I am left here thinking of all the things I can do and all the things I should do, for me, for others, for God. In the end, your legacy has little or a lot to say about you. Let's live!

Look Me In The Eyes

Dear World,

Here I am, sitting in front of my desk. Thinking, hearing distant voices from downstairs in the background, taking a deep breath in and out, looking at an old pic, I seem happy. Truly happy. As I close my eyes and try to keep from tearing up, I can't help but think, "why?" I have everything I need and more, an education, a family, and a car to take me places, but why is it that the core of who I am hurts? Why is it that what I thought were emotions from being bored, home all day, and without a job, is a constant thing? The only difference now is that I get to distract myself a little throughout the day because I have things to accomplish before the work day ends. Sometimes I think to myself, "I need a break from me." And as I reevaluate, I find this to be true. We all need a break from ourselves sometimes, but that's the only person we can't take a break from. We are always with ourselves, and the only time I find remotely helps is sleep. I can rest, forget, and recharge. But then again, I'm always with me whether asleep or awake.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. I can't. I love to look at old pictures, and just look at my eyes, because through them I can easily tell how I was feeling that day. I always say, "life has made me this way." But then I think that perhaps that sounds a little rash. I have it made, perfect, even. I haven't suffered one bit compared to others, and still I dare sit here and type about my poor little heart. Who am I really? And when did I become this person who wants only to love and be loved, hear and be heard, understand and be understood? When I was a little girl I had that innocence about me, the world was mine and I was the world's. Life has this way of letting you know that it is not a joke, of giving you wake up calls you wouldn't dare perceive. I am often seen as this girl that is tough, rude, insensitive, and merciless. I guess one could say it is my façade. I'm hanging on my a thread.

One day I will be the happiest. I will have next to me someone willing to put up with my many moods, moments, smiles, tears. One day. And you'll know when you look me in the eyes.

Honestly,
Aryan

Fake It Til You Make It!

I can't sleep. Anxious? A little. Tired? Not really? Did I wake up late today? Yes. And now all that I'm left with are my own thoughts...about everything. I need a job. Preferably one that I like. With benefits. My laptop is acting up in more ways than one; that's expected. It's old. Bills to pay? Yes. Because someone decided to go and get credit cards, and without a job, that's a tough one. I'm sitting in the silence of my house with only the ticking of the clock as a faint distraction.

Sometimes I get so hopeful that this life, for me, will be more than just an ordinary life. And to me, having an extraordinary life doesn't necessarily mean fame, but a sense of fulfillment with myself and what I've done in my life. I used to be a person with a lot of ambition. In high school I used to have the biggest dreams, even when most people would look at me disbelief, I still believed that I was here for something more than just breaths taken and routine. I looked at myself as a happy and successful business woman, if you would, that would find joy in everyday and everything she did. I was hopeful for more than just the struggles. I was hopeful for the epiphany of my life where suddenly I would understand exactly why I was here on this earth and after that I would smile, take my purpose, and go on fulfilling that purpose and passion.

How did that turn out exactly? Well, all my needs are taken care of for the most part, I've never been without. And that's a great thing to be able to say and I'm forever grateful. But there's more to me than just material things and money, and there's more to life than just love. I always used to say that I am the kind of person that would never settle for anything less than what I wanted. But I think I have seen many stories where the people who have that same mindset, end up alone or unhappy, because let's face it, we have to settle at some point in this world. Nothing is perfect. We all know that, but despite having heard those things we want to convince ourselves that maybe just maybe if we never settle we will one day find exactly what we want with absolutely no compromise. So, I guess I might have to settle for a few years and see where it takes me, then move on to bigger and greater things. But let's be honest, to me that's very scary. We plan and God laughs. And it can be so frustrating to know how we want our lives to be, we want to plot out the ideal, even though we know that for the most part, we have absolutely no control. And if we did have control it's because the G-O-D above let us think we did for a second.

What to do? I want to be positive. I want to be happy-go-lucky everyday and praise Him in the hallway until He opens doors. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of patience, a lot of joy, a lot of surrender to do that. And the problem is that I'm a control freak! Goodness! It couldn't have been anyone else, it had to be me. I wonder, "if I'm living in the now and can't stay still, imagine thinking in the future, boy, that's hot mess!" I guess it all comes down to a few things: faith, surrender, and persistence. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together soon enough, and until then I'll fake it til I make it!

 

To Be or Not to Be?

Is being a better person a decision you make once and then you become one? Or is it a conscious decision one makes daily? Because if it's the second one, that is a lot of work! It would imply having to consciously be someone you're not in order to be the person you should be. I'm already exhausted after thinking about that. According to Romans 3:10 "there's no one righteous, not even one." So it's human nature to be bad or unrighteous, but I don't wanna be bad. I wanna be good. I don't wanna offend people or have to constantly apologize for my actions. I wanna do right from the start. But this, like many other things, starts off well. We are ready to strive and triumph regardless of anything that gets in our way. Until we face hardships. Then we give it all up and we don't care how bad we are because we gave up. Over and over again.

I wonder, "what is the best recipe for success in being whom you are to be?" It's so hard to be whom you are to be when who you are is easier. Do you get me? It's hard! And when you're lazy like I am, it's even  harder. Sometimes you are who you are, and that's so true, but I believe that everyone has the potential to be better ALWAYS. It's a matter of putting all your energy into it. Lazy days? Yes. Sad days? Yes. Angry days? Yes. But if we can find it in ourselves everyday to be good and exert positive energy, this world would be much better, happier, and loving.

At the end of the day, be better for God, be better for yourself, and be better for others. Peace and harmony peeps, peace and harmony.

The Crossroads

I'm at the crossroads. I'm at the crossroads between making the transition of independent woman and holding on tight to dear life. What does this mean? It means that I'm scared, and that can be one of the worst things to go through: fear. The what ifs start to go off in my head. "What if I fail and have to come back home with hands empty?" "What if I suck at being 100% independent?" "What if? What if? What if?" I have to sit down and look at myself closely and take the first leap. Life has so many surprises, and because I know that, I am more apprehensive than the average joe. But eventually I'll have to get out there, and I think for me, it's better sooner than later. 

I've applied to countless jobs and spiced up my resume; something's gotta give! In the meantime I guess I'll work on myself. Me. I'll get down to the core of who I am and see if I can improve any areas, because honestly, sometimes you just are who you are. Period. The growing frustration is real. One day I'll hopefully rise to the top and all of this will be worth it. But being the realist that I am, I can honestly say that this sucks!!!!!!!!!! But as always, keeping it classy and sassy!

Sharing, Caring, Boom!

Sometimes it's good to share your thoughts, experiences, and encounters with others; other times, not so much. You know when you were little and you would show your parents something just to show them and let them know you thought it was cool, and your parents immediately said, "I'm not buying it." And you would get so frustrated because you didn't even ask for it, you were just showing them, and here they come with the same story of "I'm not buying it, when you hadn't even asked. This is how I feel when I share things with others sometimes. Like they just killed by joy, rained on my parade, or just didn't want me to be excited about whatever I was sharing. Period. 

I'm a person that likes to be appreciated, needed, and loved by the people active in my life. I like to make memories, be there for them, and have stories to tell. I am headstrong, opinionated, and outspoken, but I'm also, loving, caring, and loyal til the end. We live in a world that can be rough, mean, and apathetic about others; it's pretty much the norm, sadly. And when I feel like I can't express myself freely without some comment afterwards that brings me down, it's tough to answer the question, "what's wrong? Are you okay?" Because somehow I almost always end up feeling like I'm wrong for thinking a certain way or for even daring to say anything at all.

For those that know me, they know I have balls, big ones at that, or if you want, guts. I have guts. But that's not the easiest thing either. When I'm quiet, that can be very dangerous. More dangerous than talking nonstop. It's tough being me. It's a 24/7 job that I love because it's Ary, it's me. But who says that being yourself is easy? Sometimes I can't even handle myself (and am eternally grateful for those that tolerate me when they absolutely don't have to!)! Point is that when I share something with you, try to lift me up....unless I'm being STUPID then just shut it down! 

This life is a tough, beautiful, hot, sexy mess! Yes! And I'm trying to live everyone of my days with strength, passion, grandeur, class, sass, a tear or two, and much needed ambition! To do that, I think we all need to stop raining on each other's parades. That might be a hard one, cause some people are just annoying, but any who, I'm all for it! Don't rain on my parade unless you want me to rain on yours. Simple as that. Haters gonna hate! But I just love, love, love!

Purpose that Passion

They say, "If you can't figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you directly to your purpose." But is that really true? Throughout my life I have had phases where I absolutely love one thing and am obsessed with that one thing for the longest while, until I find a new fad that at that moment I can't see myself living without. And then I move on to something else. I remember as a little girl drawing was my thing; I felt invincible. I could write stories with my drawings, express my little thoughts, and feel like a true artist. That "passion" lasted for a while, but as years passed and I got older, things changed. Later, for a hot minute, I thought I wanted to follow in my mother's footsteps and be a teacher; that was short lived, as I figured out that I truly don't have the patience for all of that nonsense, and that a truly good teacher loves what she does. That wasn't me. When I got into middle school,  I loved fashion. I swore up and down that that's what I was going to be when I grew up: a fashion designer. I drew sketches, but that's about as far as I got. I didn't have the patience to learn how to sew either!!! Acting shortly followed, but only because I loved Disney Channel! And at that time who wouldn't die if they met Hannah Montana?! Yes! That was me, but my mother saved me by not letting me get much farther than the kitchen as my stage. High school came along and I was feeling like journalism was the thing! I loved making up weather reports and acting like I knew what I was talking about. And then I got lazy. That word laziness is something else. If we pay too much attention to it and let it seep into our lives, we aren't going anywhere!

Now, three years after graduating high school and a few months after graduating college with and Associates, I am sitting in my living room applying to all the jobs imaginable. Even washing the dishes. The struggle is real and it took me this long to figure that out. So I ask myself, now what? I studied Administration and I don't love it. I find it boring sitting at a desk all day. I need action, different scenarios, not a routine. And the thing is, if I knew what my purpose and passion were that would probably help a lot.

Let's see, things I like doing:

• Talking
• Being funny 
• Creating (when I want to, not because I have to)
• Writing (when I want to, not because I have to)
• And that's all I can think of now....

So, not all of us know out of the get go what we are to do, feeling a little lost or just bored, unhappy! For now, I'm pretty much keeping my house company when my friends are working. [And let me just say that I'm quite upset that summer is almost over and we've probably had one or two decent hot days. Winter better be a hot one.] As of now the only thing I've got is that I care for my people. That's about it. But don't get me wrong, I'm not Mother Theresa either. Lol

What are your thoughts on finding a purpose, a passion? 

Big Sister Satus

It's easy to be crazy and do what you want when you're the one doing it. But I've learned recently that when little sisters start acting all grown and stuff, ooh Jesus, you get up real quick and realize that shit just got real! I see my sister and younger friends, and think, I'm here for them, but if they do one thing out of place, I will kill a nigg! Lol I guess the overprotective big sis thing is kicking in! I try to breathe in and let them do their thing, and then two minutes pass by and I'm dying of a heart attack! You never know what these teenagers are up to; I was one myself! And then again I'm thinking, "there's no way in hell that I will be a parent if it means worrying for them like there is no tomorrow!"

Now, I know I'm only 21! But, hey, a girl can worry! I'm on that big sister status!

#Ain'tItFun

Boobs, Gummy Worms, and Free Stuff

Never a dull moment! Especially when least expected. The other day my friend Abby and I went to the waterpark to cool down after one of this summer’s rare scorching days. Full as ever, there were people from left to right, the lines to the slides were ridiculous, and it looked like the wave pool was our only choice, granted it was already full but we could sneak in. Finally we got to cool down, even with Band-Aids and other things floating around us we went right in to the waves, and this time they were violent…great! I think I burned one week’s amount of calories with those waves and then they were over. Sadly walking to the shore of the pool, I noticed people staring, so of course we joined in. And much to our chagrin there was a teen girl with her boobs popping out of her swimsuit and she didn’t seem to care! Oh America! You don’t ever seem to stop surprising me! Later when we were about to leave, we heard one of the funniest tantrums ever! This 12 year old girl got mad over gummy worms because her sister took them from her. She stomped, crossed her arms and started screaming! It was a sight to see and confirmation that I’m okay just being an aunty! But I understood her, I wanted gummy worms too! And then we found money, sunscreen, and Nike sandals…oh yeah! Lol Good times, good times!

Flying Above

Crazy! Yes, crazy! Time is flying and I can't seem to catch a break! Now it's Saturday and I still can't figure out how it is that yesterday was Sunday night and today I wake up to Saturday morning. At least it's the weekend, but it is Mother's Day weekend so I guess I'm not completely out of the woods yet. Later today, I expect loads of shopping for the perfect gifts, picking out the right outfits, and who could forget taking a selfie!!! Yes! So I guess I'm not off the hook yet, but I suppose I will take this day with a grain of sand, making the most of my time and breathing in and out when I feel like I'm losing it.


Based on past experiences, when I know I need to get something done I usually procrastinate, but in the end I press on until I get it done. But I know that this is life and something small could happen that could threaten my good moods, sabotage my peace, and bring on the anxiety. So what do I do? Phillipians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything..." And here comes my breathing in and out and counting to 10. So with that verse in mind, get ready to enjoy the day and press on.

Compliments

There's something about compliments that just boosts people up, especially when they're least expected.


Earlier today I was waiting in line at Walmart for my turn. I was minding my own business, lost in my own thoughts, when all of a sudden, I was brought back to the present time by a man's voice. "I like your haircut." he said. "My hair?" I replied in confusion. "Yes, its very cute. I saw you coming over and I thought 'how cute.''' Surprisingly, I felt my spirits lift in a second. That simple compliment really did cheer me up, even though I wasn't upset to begin with.


With that simple, random act of kindness, I was reminded that kindness and compliments go way deeper than perceived. Sometimes that's all people really need, a positive, encouraging word. So from now on I have to make a conscious effort to not only, think that someone looks nice, smells nice, or has an amazing talent, but I will make them know it. Let us be our mutual encouragers.
Let us be the light of the world that we are called to be, and random acts of kindness are just the beginning.

Just Say It

Here I am past midnight, glued to my iPad, trying to ignore the anxiety that won't leave me alone tonight. I have checked emails, crossed off to-do lists, and cleared the much visible track of clutter I leave behind me with every step I take. 

It caught me off guard tonight, this anxiety, out of nowhere, like a thief in the night. And now, I can't sleep. Much to my disadvantage,  my heart is beating at what seems to be a hundred miles per hour, my legs are achy, and I'm hungry. Could it be that my body is reacting to something that I have not made myself aware of yet? Like my nerves for finals? Or perhaps I am too excited about my dreams and goals to even let myself catch a breath! Whatever it may be, I find myself breathing in and out, counting to ten, and trying to reassure myself that this too shall pass. What seems like an eternity with this anxiety is nothing but a moment passing away.

Now, as I find a way to distract myself from the loud beating of my pounding heart, I can honestly say that today was a great day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened; I went to work, made a few people laugh, went to school and survived, made a few Avon deliveries, and bam! I was home. Safe and sound. I had the great privileged of owning a shower and using it, soft pjs to match, and a comfy bed that doesn't creak when I move an inch. Today was great. But now comes the hard part, falling asleep. 

Should I read? Pray? Meditate? Pray seems to be the best answer. I mean, I have a Friend who's always there to listen and I barely take up the offer. What kind of relationship is that? A whack one if you ask me! So as I lay here reminiscing about my day and sharing with you guys, I am reminded that when I am most anxious, most bored, most anything, I have a listening ear on speed dial, even when I can't find words,  He understands. Ah, that did the trick. I am more at ease now, more relaxed. Seems like just being still and knowing that He is God (Psalm 46:10), is enough to calm the seas of  my raging heart. 

As I prepare for bed, I wanna leave you guys with a song, a song about the name Jesus. There is power in it, even when we don't know what to say. Even when the anxieties of life seem to trap us, the name Jesus just calms the storm and brings peace. If you haven't experienced
 it for yourself, just say it, think it, believe it, and He will be there.

                                       

Beauty, Lip Gloss, & Enthusiasm

I have been doing some thinking lately, a lot actually, and I think I have come to the conclusion of what I want to do with my life, or at least what my passion is. I love makeup. I love that one can go so many different ways with it and have many different looks; it's an art! I also love that I can use it to fit my mood. If I'm feeling glum, happy, dramatic, and so on, I can portray that through how I do makeup. Also, helping people feel great about themselves is a great advantage! I am currently in the search of finding a makeup artistry school, and I actually just found a makeup course online! I'm trying to contain my enthusiasm until I have the green light, then, I'll go all out!