Look Me In The Eyes

Dear World,

Here I am, sitting in front of my desk. Thinking, hearing distant voices from downstairs in the background, taking a deep breath in and out, looking at an old pic, I seem happy. Truly happy. As I close my eyes and try to keep from tearing up, I can't help but think, "why?" I have everything I need and more, an education, a family, and a car to take me places, but why is it that the core of who I am hurts? Why is it that what I thought were emotions from being bored, home all day, and without a job, is a constant thing? The only difference now is that I get to distract myself a little throughout the day because I have things to accomplish before the work day ends. Sometimes I think to myself, "I need a break from me." And as I reevaluate, I find this to be true. We all need a break from ourselves sometimes, but that's the only person we can't take a break from. We are always with ourselves, and the only time I find remotely helps is sleep. I can rest, forget, and recharge. But then again, I'm always with me whether asleep or awake.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. I can't. I love to look at old pictures, and just look at my eyes, because through them I can easily tell how I was feeling that day. I always say, "life has made me this way." But then I think that perhaps that sounds a little rash. I have it made, perfect, even. I haven't suffered one bit compared to others, and still I dare sit here and type about my poor little heart. Who am I really? And when did I become this person who wants only to love and be loved, hear and be heard, understand and be understood? When I was a little girl I had that innocence about me, the world was mine and I was the world's. Life has this way of letting you know that it is not a joke, of giving you wake up calls you wouldn't dare perceive. I am often seen as this girl that is tough, rude, insensitive, and merciless. I guess one could say it is my façade. I'm hanging on my a thread.

One day I will be the happiest. I will have next to me someone willing to put up with my many moods, moments, smiles, tears. One day. And you'll know when you look me in the eyes.

Honestly,
Aryan

Fake It Til You Make It!

I can't sleep. Anxious? A little. Tired? Not really? Did I wake up late today? Yes. And now all that I'm left with are my own thoughts...about everything. I need a job. Preferably one that I like. With benefits. My laptop is acting up in more ways than one; that's expected. It's old. Bills to pay? Yes. Because someone decided to go and get credit cards, and without a job, that's a tough one. I'm sitting in the silence of my house with only the ticking of the clock as a faint distraction.

Sometimes I get so hopeful that this life, for me, will be more than just an ordinary life. And to me, having an extraordinary life doesn't necessarily mean fame, but a sense of fulfillment with myself and what I've done in my life. I used to be a person with a lot of ambition. In high school I used to have the biggest dreams, even when most people would look at me disbelief, I still believed that I was here for something more than just breaths taken and routine. I looked at myself as a happy and successful business woman, if you would, that would find joy in everyday and everything she did. I was hopeful for more than just the struggles. I was hopeful for the epiphany of my life where suddenly I would understand exactly why I was here on this earth and after that I would smile, take my purpose, and go on fulfilling that purpose and passion.

How did that turn out exactly? Well, all my needs are taken care of for the most part, I've never been without. And that's a great thing to be able to say and I'm forever grateful. But there's more to me than just material things and money, and there's more to life than just love. I always used to say that I am the kind of person that would never settle for anything less than what I wanted. But I think I have seen many stories where the people who have that same mindset, end up alone or unhappy, because let's face it, we have to settle at some point in this world. Nothing is perfect. We all know that, but despite having heard those things we want to convince ourselves that maybe just maybe if we never settle we will one day find exactly what we want with absolutely no compromise. So, I guess I might have to settle for a few years and see where it takes me, then move on to bigger and greater things. But let's be honest, to me that's very scary. We plan and God laughs. And it can be so frustrating to know how we want our lives to be, we want to plot out the ideal, even though we know that for the most part, we have absolutely no control. And if we did have control it's because the G-O-D above let us think we did for a second.

What to do? I want to be positive. I want to be happy-go-lucky everyday and praise Him in the hallway until He opens doors. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of patience, a lot of joy, a lot of surrender to do that. And the problem is that I'm a control freak! Goodness! It couldn't have been anyone else, it had to be me. I wonder, "if I'm living in the now and can't stay still, imagine thinking in the future, boy, that's hot mess!" I guess it all comes down to a few things: faith, surrender, and persistence. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together soon enough, and until then I'll fake it til I make it!

 

To Be or Not to Be?

Is being a better person a decision you make once and then you become one? Or is it a conscious decision one makes daily? Because if it's the second one, that is a lot of work! It would imply having to consciously be someone you're not in order to be the person you should be. I'm already exhausted after thinking about that. According to Romans 3:10 "there's no one righteous, not even one." So it's human nature to be bad or unrighteous, but I don't wanna be bad. I wanna be good. I don't wanna offend people or have to constantly apologize for my actions. I wanna do right from the start. But this, like many other things, starts off well. We are ready to strive and triumph regardless of anything that gets in our way. Until we face hardships. Then we give it all up and we don't care how bad we are because we gave up. Over and over again.

I wonder, "what is the best recipe for success in being whom you are to be?" It's so hard to be whom you are to be when who you are is easier. Do you get me? It's hard! And when you're lazy like I am, it's even  harder. Sometimes you are who you are, and that's so true, but I believe that everyone has the potential to be better ALWAYS. It's a matter of putting all your energy into it. Lazy days? Yes. Sad days? Yes. Angry days? Yes. But if we can find it in ourselves everyday to be good and exert positive energy, this world would be much better, happier, and loving.

At the end of the day, be better for God, be better for yourself, and be better for others. Peace and harmony peeps, peace and harmony.

The Crossroads

I'm at the crossroads. I'm at the crossroads between making the transition of independent woman and holding on tight to dear life. What does this mean? It means that I'm scared, and that can be one of the worst things to go through: fear. The what ifs start to go off in my head. "What if I fail and have to come back home with hands empty?" "What if I suck at being 100% independent?" "What if? What if? What if?" I have to sit down and look at myself closely and take the first leap. Life has so many surprises, and because I know that, I am more apprehensive than the average joe. But eventually I'll have to get out there, and I think for me, it's better sooner than later. 

I've applied to countless jobs and spiced up my resume; something's gotta give! In the meantime I guess I'll work on myself. Me. I'll get down to the core of who I am and see if I can improve any areas, because honestly, sometimes you just are who you are. Period. The growing frustration is real. One day I'll hopefully rise to the top and all of this will be worth it. But being the realist that I am, I can honestly say that this sucks!!!!!!!!!! But as always, keeping it classy and sassy!

Sharing, Caring, Boom!

Sometimes it's good to share your thoughts, experiences, and encounters with others; other times, not so much. You know when you were little and you would show your parents something just to show them and let them know you thought it was cool, and your parents immediately said, "I'm not buying it." And you would get so frustrated because you didn't even ask for it, you were just showing them, and here they come with the same story of "I'm not buying it, when you hadn't even asked. This is how I feel when I share things with others sometimes. Like they just killed by joy, rained on my parade, or just didn't want me to be excited about whatever I was sharing. Period. 

I'm a person that likes to be appreciated, needed, and loved by the people active in my life. I like to make memories, be there for them, and have stories to tell. I am headstrong, opinionated, and outspoken, but I'm also, loving, caring, and loyal til the end. We live in a world that can be rough, mean, and apathetic about others; it's pretty much the norm, sadly. And when I feel like I can't express myself freely without some comment afterwards that brings me down, it's tough to answer the question, "what's wrong? Are you okay?" Because somehow I almost always end up feeling like I'm wrong for thinking a certain way or for even daring to say anything at all.

For those that know me, they know I have balls, big ones at that, or if you want, guts. I have guts. But that's not the easiest thing either. When I'm quiet, that can be very dangerous. More dangerous than talking nonstop. It's tough being me. It's a 24/7 job that I love because it's Ary, it's me. But who says that being yourself is easy? Sometimes I can't even handle myself (and am eternally grateful for those that tolerate me when they absolutely don't have to!)! Point is that when I share something with you, try to lift me up....unless I'm being STUPID then just shut it down! 

This life is a tough, beautiful, hot, sexy mess! Yes! And I'm trying to live everyone of my days with strength, passion, grandeur, class, sass, a tear or two, and much needed ambition! To do that, I think we all need to stop raining on each other's parades. That might be a hard one, cause some people are just annoying, but any who, I'm all for it! Don't rain on my parade unless you want me to rain on yours. Simple as that. Haters gonna hate! But I just love, love, love!