Look Me In The Eyes

Dear World,

Here I am, sitting in front of my desk. Thinking, hearing distant voices from downstairs in the background, taking a deep breath in and out, looking at an old pic, I seem happy. Truly happy. As I close my eyes and try to keep from tearing up, I can't help but think, "why?" I have everything I need and more, an education, a family, and a car to take me places, but why is it that the core of who I am hurts? Why is it that what I thought were emotions from being bored, home all day, and without a job, is a constant thing? The only difference now is that I get to distract myself a little throughout the day because I have things to accomplish before the work day ends. Sometimes I think to myself, "I need a break from me." And as I reevaluate, I find this to be true. We all need a break from ourselves sometimes, but that's the only person we can't take a break from. We are always with ourselves, and the only time I find remotely helps is sleep. I can rest, forget, and recharge. But then again, I'm always with me whether asleep or awake.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. I can't. I love to look at old pictures, and just look at my eyes, because through them I can easily tell how I was feeling that day. I always say, "life has made me this way." But then I think that perhaps that sounds a little rash. I have it made, perfect, even. I haven't suffered one bit compared to others, and still I dare sit here and type about my poor little heart. Who am I really? And when did I become this person who wants only to love and be loved, hear and be heard, understand and be understood? When I was a little girl I had that innocence about me, the world was mine and I was the world's. Life has this way of letting you know that it is not a joke, of giving you wake up calls you wouldn't dare perceive. I am often seen as this girl that is tough, rude, insensitive, and merciless. I guess one could say it is my façade. I'm hanging on my a thread.

One day I will be the happiest. I will have next to me someone willing to put up with my many moods, moments, smiles, tears. One day. And you'll know when you look me in the eyes.

Honestly,
Aryan