Fake It Til You Make It!

I can't sleep. Anxious? A little. Tired? Not really? Did I wake up late today? Yes. And now all that I'm left with are my own thoughts...about everything. I need a job. Preferably one that I like. With benefits. My laptop is acting up in more ways than one; that's expected. It's old. Bills to pay? Yes. Because someone decided to go and get credit cards, and without a job, that's a tough one. I'm sitting in the silence of my house with only the ticking of the clock as a faint distraction.

Sometimes I get so hopeful that this life, for me, will be more than just an ordinary life. And to me, having an extraordinary life doesn't necessarily mean fame, but a sense of fulfillment with myself and what I've done in my life. I used to be a person with a lot of ambition. In high school I used to have the biggest dreams, even when most people would look at me disbelief, I still believed that I was here for something more than just breaths taken and routine. I looked at myself as a happy and successful business woman, if you would, that would find joy in everyday and everything she did. I was hopeful for more than just the struggles. I was hopeful for the epiphany of my life where suddenly I would understand exactly why I was here on this earth and after that I would smile, take my purpose, and go on fulfilling that purpose and passion.

How did that turn out exactly? Well, all my needs are taken care of for the most part, I've never been without. And that's a great thing to be able to say and I'm forever grateful. But there's more to me than just material things and money, and there's more to life than just love. I always used to say that I am the kind of person that would never settle for anything less than what I wanted. But I think I have seen many stories where the people who have that same mindset, end up alone or unhappy, because let's face it, we have to settle at some point in this world. Nothing is perfect. We all know that, but despite having heard those things we want to convince ourselves that maybe just maybe if we never settle we will one day find exactly what we want with absolutely no compromise. So, I guess I might have to settle for a few years and see where it takes me, then move on to bigger and greater things. But let's be honest, to me that's very scary. We plan and God laughs. And it can be so frustrating to know how we want our lives to be, we want to plot out the ideal, even though we know that for the most part, we have absolutely no control. And if we did have control it's because the G-O-D above let us think we did for a second.

What to do? I want to be positive. I want to be happy-go-lucky everyday and praise Him in the hallway until He opens doors. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of patience, a lot of joy, a lot of surrender to do that. And the problem is that I'm a control freak! Goodness! It couldn't have been anyone else, it had to be me. I wonder, "if I'm living in the now and can't stay still, imagine thinking in the future, boy, that's hot mess!" I guess it all comes down to a few things: faith, surrender, and persistence. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together soon enough, and until then I'll fake it til I make it!