Brownies a La Mode

Spring Break. I know I'm out of school and a legal grownup, but I can have fun too. I'm back to one job now, so i figured I would spend some time with my sis. Yesterday we went to the movies, today we're having brunch. Who knows what else we might do; so many possibilities!! 

Waiting for the food, I notice two things: old people and stay at home moms with their babies. Okay. Good for them. But I doubt I'll be part of a group of moms who have kids in the same age group, go out in sweats and a bun, talk about diapers and which ones are better. I just can't imagine it. And old people? Canes and slow walking. I feel pity. This can't be me! 

On the other hand, it got me thinking, what in the world am I doing with my life? And the answer to that is nothing! I'm breathing and that's it. Nothing interesting, nothing to look forward to. Is that really a life? A friend of mine was sharing with me the plans she has for the upcoming future, and they sounded ambitious. At least in comparison to mine. So here I am trying to find some kind of ambiguity in me, something so I can start being happy with myself and go somewhere. Of course, there's always those annoying thoughts in the back of my mind, that some family of mine is going places their studying for accounting and tourism. They have great careers ahead of them, and I am here like, "Hi, welcome to Bath and Body Works!" Don't get me wrong, I love my job! But I don't expect to be working retail all of my life. I wanna go places, and so far, I haven't found my niche. 

Some people have and will tell me that this is it. This is life. But to me, this looks nothing short of a vicious cycle of working and paying bills. I don't know what I'm going to do or when I will do t. But whenever I do, it will be awesome!

So back to reality, a large group of toddler moms has left, and peace is restored! Now, if only my food would get here, that would be great! We're starving!

Tomorrow, a stop to Chicago will be next on our Spring Break trip! Can't wait! It's always good to chill with friends.

Ary ❤️

Coffeehouse Confessions

Silence. Coffee. Starbucks. What a day it has been. Bonded with the sis earlier at the mall and an early dinner. It's always good to get some sister time that doesn't feel like effort. But of course, like everything else, once there is silence and you have moments all to yourself, reality has a way of smacking you in the face. All is good, but matters of the heart are the hardest to deal with.

I guess the clichéd moment of sitting alone in a coffee shop has happened. Sappy playlist in the headphones are playing away, and I can't seem to put the right words together, because just when someone asks you what's wrong, and no words come out, I guess it's the same when typing. What does one do to mend a broken heart? I wish Frozen's "love thaws a frozen heart" thing would work, but that's not an option; life is not a fairytale, Disney flick, or anything of the sort. Life is not fair, and I think we could all agree to that. Bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people, and sometimes we each get what we deserve.

They say things happen for a reason, so as much as I've wondered what could possibly be the reason to all of this? Or why the heck was there something to begin with? I haven't been able to find the answer. I think we all change because of events in our lives or we at least should, and I have. So where's my prize? I guess this one of those moments where I can say, "Life's not fair."

Sometimes I have these unwanted flashbacks, that automatically just glum my day or night. Memories are supposed bring happiness, not sadness or regret. But one thing I have most definitely learned is to smile, smile, smile away even when I could literally collapse and lose it all. Another thing I have also learned is that not everybody gets it. They want to be your friend or lend a listening ear because they care, but the second time you bring it up, they're already fed up and mad at you for even bringing it up. I wonder if people ever think that if it were them it would probably take a while to just go back to being normal. This is why I have become a recluse about my feelings, I feel like I do myself a favor by being the "strong" one, which I'm not by the way, even if I look like it, I'd rather look angry than sad, even if it costs me.

Some new people have come in to the café, and some have left. My drink is barely finished, and as I look out the windows, the noir sky is seen even through the countless streetlights and cars filling the streets. This is one of those moments when a warm bear hug would be appreciated.

What is left to be done? Forget, perhaps? Live everyday as though I was dying, not afraid to do the things that scare me the most. Move on. My heart says no, but my intellect just doesn't know anymore. Coffeehouse confessions, gotta love 'em!

Loud, Proud, Daring

I guess for some people criticizing is their best form of flattery. I didn't take this to heart because I've heard it so many times that I'm basically immune.

 My point in sharing this is that just because there is a lot of mean critique and bashing, it doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Sometimes the lack of control gets the better part of someone and when they realize that they can no longer have you be just like they want to, they start trying to get you to the "right path" with harsh words and comments.

At this point in my life I have come into the realization that Eleanor Roosevelt's words ring true to this day, "Do what you feel in your heart to be right-- for you'll be criticized anyway." I have done what other's say is the law, I've met people half way, and have listened to myself. And most of the time listening to instinct and intuition is by far the best, not because your'e perfect. but because you know you and can often do what's best for yourself.

Today, looking at myself in the mirror, I see imperfections, but I also see myself as a queen, not afraid to be who she is, loud, proud, daring. Look at yourself in the mirror and appreciate yourself for the good, fix the bad, and work on the ugly!

Ary

Extraordinary Girl, Ordinary Life

Here I am. This extraordinary girl stuck in this ordinary life. Ever since I was little, I've been something else. I was that little troublemaker, the cutie, the grumpy, Ary. I have always been me. But lately I have been trying really hard to just live the life that I was dealt and work. Right now, that isn't really turning out so great. Mediocre paycheck, long hours worked, and all of this comes very short of satisfying. I've always had dreams to be more than just some suburban chick working behind a desk with a 9-5 job. What have I dreamed of exactly? I can't say. But I just know that I don't want me to go to waste by just being a bystander. Some people may be happy that they have a job, and a partially am, but I am not one to settle for something I am unhappy with. I like to climb the ladder all the way to the top, and right now, I guess I'm still at the bottom. I get it, I'm young, but isn't that when I should be most excited about life, travel, friends, and adventure? Yes! But looking at my surroundings, all signs point to routine.

Currently, it seems that I may be able to paint a pretty picture, but I'm not so sure about the execution. I need to find my niche. Is it singing? I love to sing, but every time I hear playbacks I hate the sound of my voice! But it's a soul thing. Songs are words the heart alone can't say, and I love telling a story with song. Or is it writing? I love writing, but only as a hobby. I like to write when I'm inspired, not when I'm told to. Makeup? I love makeup, it's an art form, but then I would have to work on weekends so no. But the one thing that has always come to mind is that no matter how good you are at something, there are always other people that are better, and that sucks! I mean what's the point if one can't be the best at something? And yes, one can be the best in one's area, but that's boring.

Some people are the simplest of folk, and they are just as happy watching the sunrise as they are doing their favorite thing in the world. Good for them. I applaud them. But this chick over here ain't like that. I need action, motivation, variety!

Someone recently told me that it was all about attitude. And I'm thinking to myself, "how much more positive can I be?" Without being fake or creepy? I'm as real as they come and I cannot be plastic! I try to deal with situations and day-to-day life as positively as possible, but that does not mean that I will be this happy-go-lucky chick with a Chiclet smile 24/7....uh that's a no-no! And sometimes I wonder if I am the world's most unsatisfied person, but then I look around at people who completed what they thought were their life's dreams and there they are, sitting in a pew looking obnoxious, pissed at the world, like a rottweiler ready to attack; I just thank God that is not me!

One day this extraordinary life will find it, what she's been looking for all along; her niche, her passion, ambitions, goals, dreams, happiness, joy. Until then may a positive attitude follow me daily as I go and accomplish this thing called work wherein I earn some MONEY every two weeks. But I will keep dreaming, thinking, processing, wondering, what in the world is there for me to do that I can feel fulfilled. I will share my life with others so they can get a glimpse of my life; there's never a dull moment, never a filter, and always many laughs and smiles, Love it!

Live! Inspired by Joan Rivers.

I guess we forget how fragile life is. And that's the one thing we all have in common. It can come at any time, our parting from this world, and no matter our status, rags or riches, one day we will be called to judgement. I am left here thinking, as I read one of Joan Rivers' quotes, "I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things; that means you're alive." True inspiration as we are reminded that life is nothing but a vapor, and every day counts. She will be missed for her spontaneity and incredulous audacity. She will be forgiven for the wrongs and revered for her strength as a woman. Now let's take this seriously and live. Let's do what we were made to and kick butt doing it! I am left here thinking of all the things I can do and all the things I should do, for me, for others, for God. In the end, your legacy has little or a lot to say about you. Let's live!

Look Me In The Eyes

Dear World,

Here I am, sitting in front of my desk. Thinking, hearing distant voices from downstairs in the background, taking a deep breath in and out, looking at an old pic, I seem happy. Truly happy. As I close my eyes and try to keep from tearing up, I can't help but think, "why?" I have everything I need and more, an education, a family, and a car to take me places, but why is it that the core of who I am hurts? Why is it that what I thought were emotions from being bored, home all day, and without a job, is a constant thing? The only difference now is that I get to distract myself a little throughout the day because I have things to accomplish before the work day ends. Sometimes I think to myself, "I need a break from me." And as I reevaluate, I find this to be true. We all need a break from ourselves sometimes, but that's the only person we can't take a break from. We are always with ourselves, and the only time I find remotely helps is sleep. I can rest, forget, and recharge. But then again, I'm always with me whether asleep or awake.

I can't remember the last time I was happy. I can't. I love to look at old pictures, and just look at my eyes, because through them I can easily tell how I was feeling that day. I always say, "life has made me this way." But then I think that perhaps that sounds a little rash. I have it made, perfect, even. I haven't suffered one bit compared to others, and still I dare sit here and type about my poor little heart. Who am I really? And when did I become this person who wants only to love and be loved, hear and be heard, understand and be understood? When I was a little girl I had that innocence about me, the world was mine and I was the world's. Life has this way of letting you know that it is not a joke, of giving you wake up calls you wouldn't dare perceive. I am often seen as this girl that is tough, rude, insensitive, and merciless. I guess one could say it is my façade. I'm hanging on my a thread.

One day I will be the happiest. I will have next to me someone willing to put up with my many moods, moments, smiles, tears. One day. And you'll know when you look me in the eyes.

Honestly,
Aryan

Fake It Til You Make It!

I can't sleep. Anxious? A little. Tired? Not really? Did I wake up late today? Yes. And now all that I'm left with are my own thoughts...about everything. I need a job. Preferably one that I like. With benefits. My laptop is acting up in more ways than one; that's expected. It's old. Bills to pay? Yes. Because someone decided to go and get credit cards, and without a job, that's a tough one. I'm sitting in the silence of my house with only the ticking of the clock as a faint distraction.

Sometimes I get so hopeful that this life, for me, will be more than just an ordinary life. And to me, having an extraordinary life doesn't necessarily mean fame, but a sense of fulfillment with myself and what I've done in my life. I used to be a person with a lot of ambition. In high school I used to have the biggest dreams, even when most people would look at me disbelief, I still believed that I was here for something more than just breaths taken and routine. I looked at myself as a happy and successful business woman, if you would, that would find joy in everyday and everything she did. I was hopeful for more than just the struggles. I was hopeful for the epiphany of my life where suddenly I would understand exactly why I was here on this earth and after that I would smile, take my purpose, and go on fulfilling that purpose and passion.

How did that turn out exactly? Well, all my needs are taken care of for the most part, I've never been without. And that's a great thing to be able to say and I'm forever grateful. But there's more to me than just material things and money, and there's more to life than just love. I always used to say that I am the kind of person that would never settle for anything less than what I wanted. But I think I have seen many stories where the people who have that same mindset, end up alone or unhappy, because let's face it, we have to settle at some point in this world. Nothing is perfect. We all know that, but despite having heard those things we want to convince ourselves that maybe just maybe if we never settle we will one day find exactly what we want with absolutely no compromise. So, I guess I might have to settle for a few years and see where it takes me, then move on to bigger and greater things. But let's be honest, to me that's very scary. We plan and God laughs. And it can be so frustrating to know how we want our lives to be, we want to plot out the ideal, even though we know that for the most part, we have absolutely no control. And if we did have control it's because the G-O-D above let us think we did for a second.

What to do? I want to be positive. I want to be happy-go-lucky everyday and praise Him in the hallway until He opens doors. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of patience, a lot of joy, a lot of surrender to do that. And the problem is that I'm a control freak! Goodness! It couldn't have been anyone else, it had to be me. I wonder, "if I'm living in the now and can't stay still, imagine thinking in the future, boy, that's hot mess!" I guess it all comes down to a few things: faith, surrender, and persistence. Hopefully I'll be able to get it together soon enough, and until then I'll fake it til I make it!